Passive Aggressive Behavior Often Unrecognized All Too Acceptable
Highlights
- Internal denial is when we are not aware of what we are doing. If we are aware and are confronted, we might insist that we didn’t do it on purpose (that’s external denial).
- Those who chronically engage in passive-aggressive behavior are often weak in the skills that help them:
- identify their emotions
- moderate their emotional reactions
- and manage their behavior
- Contrary to how it sounds, passive-aggressive behavior is not a combination of passivity and aggression. It is aggression expressed behaviorally.
- It’s referred to as “passive” because it can manifest as inaction, be somewhat subtle and disguised, or start out with passivity.
Let’s examine the behavior
How We Act Passively:
- We avoid or deny conflict — (this is passive and perhaps the first step of passive-aggressive behavior)
- We pretend we’re not angry when we are (this might be unconscious to some degree, a form of denial, or low self-awareness)
- We sweep conflicts under the rug — and try to sweep our own anger under the rug as well — (this is denial and passivity)
How We Act Out Toward the Person (the aggressive part):
- We “forget” to pick up the dry cleaning when we said we would.
- We “accidentally” burn our partner’s dinner.
- We show up late to our sister’s important event.
- We talk about a work project but don’t mention the contribution of another person who is in the same meeting. That person is invisible and we get credit for the project (unless they speak up).
- We don’t return a call or respond to an email in the time frame we normally would. This non-action is known as the “cold shoulder.”
There are nuances.
I said to myself out loud “You’re being passive-aggressive and you know it!”
A few seconds later (again out loud) I said “No, I’m not. I’m setting a limit. I’m not available right now to answer the phone or to deal with this problem. It can wait.”
Thoughts
- continuum has some issues; seems like you can be the victim even if your response is assertive. If "victim" means the attitude, it seems like the aggressive person is not a victim in the same way as a passive person
Backlinks